My life is currently better than it has ever been. I have a sense of individuality and self sufficiency. I am far more sexually active than I ever have been. I make way more money. I eat better. I sleep better. I am rarely ever bored and almost never alone. Generally i’m doing what I want.
Yet occasionally (like once every three to six months) I’ll just break down crying for like a whole fuckin day. Not like Denzel man tears either. Like sobbing child that broke his leg crying. Like heart attack causing, can’t move, wanna stab myself crying. This happened recently.
It is usually caused by my incessant need to be in love with someone, but is always peppered with that classic nihilistic sense that all life (especially mine) has absolutely no meaning. When these days happen I almost always, like 95% of the time, burn some bridges that I really don’t want to burn. This time was different.
Of course I went through all of my usual, truth revealing, bridge burning steps. Yet the person on the other side of the bridge just simply put that fire out. Just this one person. I spoke my piece and ruined my image in her eyes (according to me), but she just accepted it and continued to be one of the best friends I have ever had. She didn’t ignore it, she accepted it and recognized that that was how I felt and decided not to treat me any different. We are gonna just work through it.
Regardless of labels and history, she is never going to leave me. Through all of my bad days and through all of my untreated depression, she will be there. She knows when I am sad before I do and she knows why when I don’t. She may be the cause of some of my sorrow, but she is also the cause of most of my happiness.
I am not sure why i am writing this particular post. I am sober and having a good night off. I guess I just feel like somewhere there should be a record of how much I appreciate and truly, deeply love this person. I always have. I always will. Long live the queen.