I am currently in the midst of ruining yet another good thing in my life. As I lay here next to my next inevitable failure, I can’t help but remember the first time anyone ever called me “the emperor”. I actually didn’t come up with the title on my own. It was Adriana. We were in class talking about each of our ideal societies and I ended up standing on my chair, delivering a 20 something minute speech about how the world should be. Someone said “puma for President”. She yelled “No, Viva La Emperor Puma”. I responded by proclaiming that the one true Emperor will never die. I think about that a lot now that I’ve pushed everything away. I used to be so proud and so sure of everyone and everything in my life. I helped bring a great, close group of friends together and expand it into something i used to brag about to people who didn’t know them. I used to truly believe that i could change the world. I thought i could stop us from dying. I became completely obsessed with myself. I still think in the third person. Then i started drinking and discovered that i actually had tangible emotions. Feelings can be addictive to people like me. I get drunk and feel this overwhelming feeling of love and appreciation for the people i can’t normally express my true feelings for. Of course, drunk is unstable so should anything negative happen,my emotional state is thrown into a random tailspin of insecurities and offensive nonsense. I have had more truly great memories than i can count due to alcohol, but i have also driven away most everything that matters. I can’t blame anything on some chemical though. Its all just me. Empires fall because Emperors lose sight of what they were trying to achieve in the midst of conquest. My pride made me forget everything i was proud of. Then i finally ran away. Moving out on my own is of course necessary and has been the smartest thing I’ve done in years, but i did it to escape the things i have said and done to people that can never forget. I realized that i had nothing to be proud of anymore and that the Emperor ruined my life. It’s me though. Its still here. I have tried so hard to cast aside that selfish, megalomaniacal bastard, but he always creeps up on me in times of weakness. I’m not allowed the contentment offered by hubris. I can’t just be happy watching the world go on without my permission. So here i lay, waiting for my Angel to wake up and prove that my exercise in humility has failed. I just want to swallow my pride without feeling so weak. I wonder where I’d be if i could. I could keep being happy here. I could be on my way toward saving those i used to hold most dear to my heart. I wouldn’t have to die. I wouldn’t have to stop existing and my life wouldn’t be as meaningless as all life truly is. Maybe i never would have figured out what a sham religion was and i could find solice in some notion of an afterlife. Maybe i could just say any of this to someone’s face without pouring liquor down my throat first. Where’s my empire? Where has it gone? Perhaps I’m wrong though. Perhaps, just this once, i didn’t do something that I can’t fix. Maybe this is my chance to just be human.